Recently the kids and I watched the movie with Liv Tyler, Ben Affleck, and Bruce Willis…can’t think of the name right now. It’s only relevant because as I lay here not able to sleep, the Aerosmith song from the movie is playing on repeat in my head. “I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…”
I have so many memories playing in my head tonight. I don’t remember a lot about the first hours of Will’s life. It was a difficult birth and I was so exhausted. However, I remember Claire’s first night with such clarity that is seems like it just happened. She was born in the late afternoon and after getting a visit from her big brother and her granddad, we settled in for the night. I couldn’t sleep. I just laid there watching her. Her little bassinet was next to my bed and I could touch her easily. I remember waking her to feed her and not wanting to put her back down.
I’m laying in hotel bed now, just watching her sleep. It’s our last night before I leave her nearly 800 miles from home. I want to wake her and talk to her. I want to hold her and tell her how much I’m going to miss her. But I know that would be “weird” as both of my kids would say. I pray they will both understand my “weirdness” one day. I pray that they both experience this wonderful gift of parenthood and that they not only love their kids but genuinely like them too. I hope that they both have something so amazing that the ache of missing it is tangible. I know how lucky I am as a mom and I wish that for both of them.
That’s a long way into the future, though. For now, I just wish them happiness and enough homesickness that they miss me just a little…and I will lay here, watching her sleep.